I feel like I am ready to leave uni, I can not leave though I owe it to my self to stay but I don't feel I can carry on anymore.
I can not sleep I am feeling anxious all over again and feeling paranoid.
last tuesday was horrid and I was so guilty for all the things I never did or didn't do before she died and on wed nursery rang and said he had another funny turn but this time he collapsed as well
(he has been vacant moments his eyes have been rolling and he shacked 9not fits) we have seen this too so he was sent for an ecg which didn't show anything)
they said he then sat up had a hug and went of and played again.
so he is now having a ct scan.
it is all too much for me I feel like I have gone backwards 10 steps and I am now feeling terrified of having schizophrenia or something I am scared I am heading for a breakdown or something, I know I am not the only one with problems but im not sure how much more I can cope with.
appointments after appointments and each appointment makes one more or in some cases two more.
this month I have had/having 14 appointments 9 for joseph 1 for emily and 4 for me
I am at uni 3 days and in work placement one day so it leaves me little time for appointments so I have been missing uni left right and center and I am trying to get extensions because I have two assignments due on the 10 and I have only started one of them.
I am just at the end of it all I need my teeth sorted but I can not get the time for an appointment my self, I can not go to cbt because I have no time (I have asked her if I can come again in the summer holidays next year because it is the only time I will have time)
my washer is fucked all though I want a new one anyway im going to have to wait not that that is anything to do with it but I lost my way a little.
today we went to yet another appointment with the genetastist she was nice and said they haven't found anything new although they did find a story of a little boy with the same hands and feet of mine but none of the other things.
she told me of funding being given to the genetics at leeds and my family have been flagged up so she wants a full blood count from me, martyn and emily they already have charlottes and joseph's on file.
she said don't pin all your hopes on it because they may not find anything but they have in the last few years recognized 5 genetic make ups.
she went on about having loads of tests when I next got pregnant but she was told firmly by both me and martyn that it wouldn't be necessary as we would not terminate a pregnancy..
I feel ok for typing all this but I just feel like I am going nuts again my iron isn't sorted because the tossers canceled my infusion because I am not aloud the stuff they gave me because of asthma so I am still feeing like shit and look as pale as a ghost.
ggggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
THE END (sob sob sob)
Friday, 26 November 2010
Monday, 22 November 2010
charlotte eve short , 16/7/2004---23/11/2005
charlotte was born on the 16th of july 2004 almost a year after our wedding I was 18 still (only just) she was a little gem sent to guild us in to the adults we were to become, we knew from the start it was an uphill walk, upon leaving the hospital we had 3 hospital appointments to go to.
as time went by when I was (nutty mummy) we loved her dearly and found out more things that she had but faced them head on.
she was fed through a tube she was on medication she would eat and needed operations but still she smiled and laughed she was such a happy lade back little girl who loved being awake (if she didn't fall back to sleep)
untill a normal illness which she had monthly turned in to phenomena and 16hrs after being admitted she slipped away and finished her fight.
as time went by when I was (nutty mummy) we loved her dearly and found out more things that she had but faced them head on.
she was fed through a tube she was on medication she would eat and needed operations but still she smiled and laughed she was such a happy lade back little girl who loved being awake (if she didn't fall back to sleep)
untill a normal illness which she had monthly turned in to phenomena and 16hrs after being admitted she slipped away and finished her fight.
Thursday, 18 November 2010
I have decided
I have decided to right a new blog on world war's
I know very little about the in's an out's of world wars so I have opened a blog and I am going to try and post and find out information for me and for who ever reads it.
it is hear http://ramblingondotcom.blogspot.com/
it will be slow as I am at uni but your welcome to have a look.
I know very little about the in's an out's of world wars so I have opened a blog and I am going to try and post and find out information for me and for who ever reads it.
it is hear http://ramblingondotcom.blogspot.com/
it will be slow as I am at uni but your welcome to have a look.
some more immiges
no having tried to find some it seams it is harder than I thought
I did find this link and it has some helpful information. but never fall in to the trap of thinking it was just Britain suffered.
hear are some figures I picked up from
http://www.historylearningsite.co.uk/FWWcasualties.htm
Please note that the figures are rounded up and the total per section (such as killed, wounded etc.) will not necessarily equal the total figure.
I did find this link and it has some helpful information. but never fall in to the trap of thinking it was just Britain suffered.
hear are some figures I picked up from
http://www.historylearningsite.co.uk/FWWcasualties.htm
No-one would have dared to predict the casualties of World War One. When World War One was declared there were street celebrations in most of Europe's capital cities. No-one even envisaged trench warfare in August 1914 let alone the appalling casualties that occurred over 4 years of fighting. In August 1914, Ypres remained a fine example of a medieval city. By 1918, it lay in ruins and the surrounding land had witnessed death by the tens of thousands. The Somme and Verdun witnessed appalling slaughter. No-one could have predicted the horrifying consequences of modern weaponry being used together with out-of-date tactics. The grim figures 'speak' for themselves.
| Country | Men mobilised | Killed | Wounded | POW’s + missing | Total casualties | casualties in % of men mobilised |
| Russia | 12 million | 1.7mill | 4.9mill | 2.5mill | 9.15mill | 76.3 |
| France | 8.4 mill | 1.3mill | 4.2mill | 537,000 | 6.1mill | 73.3 |
| GB + Empire | 8.9mill | 908,000 | 2mill | 191,000 | 3.1mill | 35.8 |
| Italy | 5.5mill | 650,000 | 947,000 | 600,000 | 2.1mill | 39 |
| USA | 4.3mill | 126,000 | 234,000 | 4,500 | 350,000 | 8 |
| Japan | 800,000 | 300 | 900 | 3 | 1210 | 0.2 |
| Romania | 750,000 | 335,000 | 120,000 | 80,000 | 535,000 | 71 |
| Serbia | 700,000 | 45,000 | 133,000 | 153,000 | 331,000 | 47 |
| Belgium | 267,000 | 13,800 | 45,000 | 34,500 | 93,000 | 35 |
| Greece | 230,000 | 5000 | 21,000 | 1000 | 27,000 | 12 |
| Portugal | 100,000 | 7222 | 13,700 | 12,000 | 33,000 | 33 |
| Total Allies | 42million | 5 million | 13million | 4 million | 22million | 52% |
| Germany | 11million | 1.7million | 4.2million | 1.1million | 7.1million | 65 |
| Austria | 7.8million | 1.2million | 3.6million | 2.2million | 7 million | 90 |
| Turkey | 2.8million | 325,000 | 400,000 | 250,000 | 975,000 | 34 |
| Bulgaria | 1.2million | 87,000 | 152,000 | 27,000 | 266,000 | 22 |
| TotalCentral Powers | 22.8mill | 3.3million | 8.3million | 3.6million | 15 million | 67 |
| Grand Total | 65 million | 8.5mill | 21million | 7.7mill | 37million | 57% |
Please note that the figures are rounded up and the total per section (such as killed, wounded etc.) will not necessarily equal the total figure.
world war one
I have just come across an image that sent shivers through my very soul.
Well an image is a realisation/expression of photographer's opinion. Mine and everyone else's opinion is just as valid.
people died a lot of people and 90% of those people had no other reason other than to serve there country, no hatred for one another just pushing and pushing when they were told to.
i feel this picture shows the heart of these grate brave (men) actually more like boys, these brave brave boys fighting for there country and there lives.
god bless them all only god knows who got up in to his heart for these I pray for and thank for my life and the life of my children, parents and grandparents.
I accessed these pictures from http://forums.overclockers.co.uk/showthread.php?t=18059106
Quote:
| On Christmas Day, 1914, in the first year of World War I, German, British, and French soldiers disobeyed their superiors and fraternized with "the enemy" along two-thirds of the Western Front. German troops held Christmas trees up out of the trenches with signs, "Merry Christmas." "You no shoot, we no shoot." Thousands of troops streamed across a no-man's land strewn with rotting corpses. They sang Chrismas carols, exchanged photographs of loved ones back home, shared rations, played football, even roasted some pigs. Soldiers embraced men they had been trying to kill a few short hours before. They agreed to warn each other if the top brass forced them to fire their weapons, and to aim high. A shudder ran through the high command on either side. Here was disaster in the making: soldiers declaring their brotherhood with each other and refusing to fight. Generals on both sides declared this spontaneous peacemaking to be treasonous and subject to court martial. By March, 1915 the fraternization movement had been eradicated and the killing machine put back in full operation. By the time of the armistice in 1918, fifteen million would be slaughtered. |
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
follow on to today
so yesterday when I finally got home I was so tired my wonderful husband told me to go and lay down for a little while which I so needed to do it.
so, today when I woke up I found it very hard to wake and when I did my brain just wouldn't wake up for some reason. I rolled out of bed and dragged my self down stairs to get the kids up and dressed.
I got a taxi to nursery £5 there and back sorted the dogs out and climbed the long stairs to bed again. It didn't take long to get to sleep I went on line and then I was gone I woke up when martyn came home from work at 2.30 and then went back to sleep.
I have rang the placement and told them I can't make it in tomorrow and ~I am going to pick a sick note up from the doctors.
so, today when I woke up I found it very hard to wake and when I did my brain just wouldn't wake up for some reason. I rolled out of bed and dragged my self down stairs to get the kids up and dressed.
I got a taxi to nursery £5 there and back sorted the dogs out and climbed the long stairs to bed again. It didn't take long to get to sleep I went on line and then I was gone I woke up when martyn came home from work at 2.30 and then went back to sleep.
I have rang the placement and told them I can't make it in tomorrow and ~I am going to pick a sick note up from the doctors.
confusion and not a lot of sense
god this post is probably not going to make a lot of sense right now as I am so ill.
yesterday was a very busy day for me and one which I had to pick and choose on what I had to do. yesterday I had four things to do one neurologist at a hospital near bye then a smear test, I also had a meet planned with my lovely friend who I desperately love and a moving and handling course run by my placement. so yesterday morning my lovely mum came to sit with the kids whilst me and jenny took some (well a hell of a lot) of washing up to the landrett (I shamefully have gone so far behind on the washing well tbh everything these days.)
after that I got the bus to the neurologist it went ok, he said I have a problem and my pain keeps me constant on painkillers he also said that at some-point in the last 6 yrs of taking them I have had my pain threshold lowered so much that I feel so much pain when I get something like a head ache. he suggested when I have all my teeth sorted (years of horrid teeth crumbling holes and such) and when I ahve a good 6 weeks with no appointments or pain of uni work and come off the pain killers, he said it will be very painful for about 4 weeks whilst my body settles down with out pain killers.
then the second appointment I had to go to was my smear test, due to having medical anxiety well anxiety of every kind I needed to go for a smear as it has been on my mind since jade goody http://uk.news.yahoo.com/fc/jade-goody.html
so that was a little uncomfy but I had it done and It wasn't pain full or embarrassing and if anyone is reading this and hasn't been for there's please go it is nothing to be scared of. I will get them in 4 weeks through the post.
right will continue in a little while.
yesterday was a very busy day for me and one which I had to pick and choose on what I had to do. yesterday I had four things to do one neurologist at a hospital near bye then a smear test, I also had a meet planned with my lovely friend who I desperately love and a moving and handling course run by my placement. so yesterday morning my lovely mum came to sit with the kids whilst me and jenny took some (well a hell of a lot) of washing up to the landrett (I shamefully have gone so far behind on the washing well tbh everything these days.)
after that I got the bus to the neurologist it went ok, he said I have a problem and my pain keeps me constant on painkillers he also said that at some-point in the last 6 yrs of taking them I have had my pain threshold lowered so much that I feel so much pain when I get something like a head ache. he suggested when I have all my teeth sorted (years of horrid teeth crumbling holes and such) and when I ahve a good 6 weeks with no appointments or pain of uni work and come off the pain killers, he said it will be very painful for about 4 weeks whilst my body settles down with out pain killers.
then the second appointment I had to go to was my smear test, due to having medical anxiety well anxiety of every kind I needed to go for a smear as it has been on my mind since jade goody http://uk.news.yahoo.com/fc/jade-goody.html
so that was a little uncomfy but I had it done and It wasn't pain full or embarrassing and if anyone is reading this and hasn't been for there's please go it is nothing to be scared of. I will get them in 4 weeks through the post.
right will continue in a little while.
Thursday, 4 November 2010
post natal illness and mental health.
I have always had a small amount of mental illness but from having children this came about in a much stronger way and the only way I could do this was to keep a diary
i did this on a pni website
so for those who know me or would like to know more about what me and my family have gone through hear is the link, be warned it is long so I understand if you don't get through the first post.
(I have taken this link of because to put in on hear may upset people who are talked of within it although if friend would like to read it get in touch and I will pass on the link if you have or thing you have pni/pnd then http://www.pni.org.uk/ this site is amazing and this is were my pni diary is )
remember I am hear now and I still have a small amount of anxiety and paranoia but I do feel better and you can too..
thank you for reading
xxxxxxx
i did this on a pni website
so for those who know me or would like to know more about what me and my family have gone through hear is the link, be warned it is long so I understand if you don't get through the first post.
(I have taken this link of because to put in on hear may upset people who are talked of within it although if friend would like to read it get in touch and I will pass on the link if you have or thing you have pni/pnd then http://www.pni.org.uk/ this site is amazing and this is were my pni diary is )
remember I am hear now and I still have a small amount of anxiety and paranoia but I do feel better and you can too..
thank you for reading
xxxxxxx
no injection for me :0(
well I didn't get my iron jabs but it is not all bad news.
I went to the doctors with my injections and the paper information with them.
whilst reading the information it said because of hi side affect rate and the severity of it me and the doctor talked of just going for the transfusion instead of the jabs. the poor women rang the hospital and was passed from pillar to post for 30 minuets but managed to get me booked on a registerers list for attending the day unit on the 16th which may be two weeks but if I was to go for the injections they would be 5 injections spread out two weeklies, but doing it this way I can go in for a full day and be board out of my mind but hay-ho its done then.
but I have to book time to go for another blood test the end of next week and also have to go pick up some paperwork the day before to make sure I have to do anything.
I am glad it will be sorted as I am so so feeling like crap. I also have to go for a smear on monday and my neurologist appointment. I'm having to cancel the other two for monday as I just can not fit it in.
I have been feeling funny this week (code for insane lol) just paranoid all over again feeling scared, my anxiety is high again and I feel like I may have to up my dose again but will talk to the doctor again soon.
I was meant to be having cbt but I just have not got the time to fit in the sessions once a week. It horrid that something I need I have no time for.
I don't know what it is I am questioning if I can do uni now, it is getting so so hard to do with children I can not even make it to my children's hospital appointments and either have to cancel or get someone ells to take them. I am letting them down all to do a degree that I may not even get a sodding job for
I keep getting asked oh what will you be at the end of it and I can not give a sodding answer I have no clue.
I know it is about working with venerable user groups in a care setting but that is a massive massive aria.
xxxxx
I went to the doctors with my injections and the paper information with them.
whilst reading the information it said because of hi side affect rate and the severity of it me and the doctor talked of just going for the transfusion instead of the jabs. the poor women rang the hospital and was passed from pillar to post for 30 minuets but managed to get me booked on a registerers list for attending the day unit on the 16th which may be two weeks but if I was to go for the injections they would be 5 injections spread out two weeklies, but doing it this way I can go in for a full day and be board out of my mind but hay-ho its done then.
but I have to book time to go for another blood test the end of next week and also have to go pick up some paperwork the day before to make sure I have to do anything.
I am glad it will be sorted as I am so so feeling like crap. I also have to go for a smear on monday and my neurologist appointment. I'm having to cancel the other two for monday as I just can not fit it in.
I have been feeling funny this week (code for insane lol) just paranoid all over again feeling scared, my anxiety is high again and I feel like I may have to up my dose again but will talk to the doctor again soon.
I was meant to be having cbt but I just have not got the time to fit in the sessions once a week. It horrid that something I need I have no time for.
I don't know what it is I am questioning if I can do uni now, it is getting so so hard to do with children I can not even make it to my children's hospital appointments and either have to cancel or get someone ells to take them. I am letting them down all to do a degree that I may not even get a sodding job for
I keep getting asked oh what will you be at the end of it and I can not give a sodding answer I have no clue.
I know it is about working with venerable user groups in a care setting but that is a massive massive aria.
xxxxx
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