first time

my name is Michelle
I have wanted to start a blog for some time but never got round to doing it. I am 23 and will be 24 in aug, i have had 3 children and i am married. there is a lot I want to write. I just don't want to babble it all out at ones as i feel that would be too hard to rite (for me) and too hard to read for anyone who is going to read it.

My first child (Charlotte) was born in 2004 she was a very tiny 4lbs 7oz and was so perfect it was untrue.. she had disabilities and had a lot of hurdles in life to get through for one so little and young. She was a very happy child, and we had so much fun and memories. unfortunately i had bad post natal depression at the time and never got help for it ( I didn't know I had it) in November 2005 Charlotte got ill and she passed away very suddenly after but a few hours in the hospital. Our lives fell apart.

After a year and a half on fertility drugs (started when Charlotte was a year old)
we got pregnant with emily she was born in 2007 we were thrilled she was just scrumptious she took to feeding fine, was healthy and happy. at about 4months i started getting ill had days of depression and big huge bouts of anxiety i got very ill until my husband and I talked and we went to the doctors i got diagnosed with post traumatic stress and post natal illness. i was stabilised on medication for a while.

then we found out we were pregnant with number 3 we were very happy, i was still on medication but not a high dose. At 20 weeks i went for my atomany scan to be told we were having a boy. I was shocked very! to say the least. i never expected to have a boy there was only one in our family out of 8. From that day i got worse my anxiety bubbled up getting higher and higher and making me very sceared.

I finely excepted i needed more help. I was referred to psychiatric care, I spoke to a lovely doctor who gave me so many ansures i had been looking for. She new my anxieties and she was able to help me so much by telling me more people felt like i did. she referred me to a cpt who came to my house for a chat. First it was every week then after a few months every 2 weeks then when i have my son it was every week again. m medication had been upped so much i was sleepy so much.

when my son was born it became apparent he had the same syndrome as my first (UN diagnosed syndrome as of yet) he has disabilities like she had but his hart is ok and that was the fatal disabilities she had. when he was 4 days old he got sick so we took him back to the hospital (he had open excess) he became very ill very fast and was soon having bloods done and lumber punctious, his leg swelled up and we thought he was going to lose his leg. Thankfully he didn't and after surgery and a hip brace for a few months he was ok.

I still have a problems with post natal illness i am still on medication and i still have big bouts of anxiety.
I am very over wight so at Christmas i decided enough was enough and i was going on a diet. 7weeks ago i joined slimming world i was a full stone lighter than at Christmas. so in 7weeks on slimming world i have lost 11lbs so far.